Today feels like it is all too much. Today I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t do anything. I feel anxious, I feel scared, I feel unprepared to move forward. I feel to blame. I feel like I should have DONE something.
I don’t know what. I kept myself as busy as I could, but now it is night.
My group therapy has reached the point where we will begin disclosures. This is the reason that this weekend was a major meltdown weekend for me. I don’t want to do the disclosure. I don’t understand what I should say. It can be whatever we want to say. What I need to say for healing. I’m terrified to say any of it out loud.
It is so risky. It feels so heavy.
The last time I had to say any of this out loud was on a witness stand. It did not go well and was all over the tv and print news. I testified in front of a packed-to-capacity courtroom where the judge had to stop the proceedings several times to ask people to act appropriately. A courtroom where some people made sexual gestures at me and were warned that they would have to leave if it continued. Why in the world was that behavior accepted at all?? The judgment I faced that day feels like it will be present for the disclosure.
On some level I understand that it will feel so different in a room full of people who understand many, if not most, of my emotions. But that isn’t helping me want to go through with it. If I don’t do it, I don’t successfully finish the group.
I WILL finish the group. I just don’t know how.