I did my disclosure yesterday. I’m super proud of myself for standing up to the fear of judgment and for getting through the disclosure with honesty and vulnerability. There were some moments I didn’t expect and some memories that I had buried so far inside me that they came out for the VERY FIRST time while I was talking. It was extremely intense.
The response from my group was truly incredible and awesome. I have formed new, and hopefully lasting, friendships with these women I have grown to learn from, admire, and cherish. It is a group of ridiculously brave and beautiful spirits. They helped me understand the victim I was at those times I described, and also helped me to see that the woman I have become is so much better than I feel inside sometimes when I wake up or feel triggered in daily life. They helped me validate that victim inside me and see that I overcame a lot of injustice to be the survivor I am today. Those women rock!
The heavy shame is lifted up to another level, a level where I can actually face it and begin to work through each piece of it. I can actually see the future me enjoying daily living without that blanket of shame on my shoulders. I can see myself dancing freely and feeling joy instead of hesitation. I can look forward to being brave enough to fully trust and to love again, in ways I never really have before now.
Even after feeling so good, I could hear the tapes in my head starting to self-punish for not facing all of this sooner, not healing sooner, not trying hard enough. The “I should have done something” starting to creep inside my head. But this time I put a stop to it and spoke right out loud to those tapes to let them know I just did that – disclosed fully – and I will no longer be held hostage by those negative cognitions. Sure, it will take some more work, I’m not under the impression that all of the burden left with the words that came out while I told my story. But I have shed the secret in a way that feels like an ending to a lot of it.
That. Is. Awesome.
I feel crazy excited today like this is another new beginning for me. A more aware me, a further healed me, a really, truly rediscovered me.
I did it!