Disclosures are almost over for group. Thank goodness, because it really makes for some challenging nights–it’s really difficult. I admire these women who have walked this journey with me so so much. They are truly amazing, strong, supportive, beautiful people. We share feelings and thoughts yet know very little else about each other and our lives. It’s strange how we have all connected through trauma. And shame.
One thing that we all react to is when the facilitator says something about shame. It’s so present in the lives of a survivor of sexual assault. I often wish it could go away forever, but now I wonder if that’s really the best way to look at it. Would I want to put it out of my mind completely if I could? I don’t know. I kind of don’t think so. I just want to change how I see it.
So when we talked about the rest of the group and she said we were going back to revisit shame, we all decided we didn’t like that. We then talked about what she meant which was that we will revisit how shame feels to us after completing our disclosures. We talked about saying “shame resilience” instead. Then we decided on “shame transformation.” I like that.
I like that it is still something I can see in my life, and feel and recognize as a part of me. But I like that I can think of it as transformed. I found this definition of transformed: to change the outward form or appearance of. I absolutely love that. Because that is exactly how it feels to me now. That the shame is inside me now and part of my experience, but the outward form of it is different. I don’t carry it as a weight. I don’t feel it sitting on my shoulders telling me how to act or when to not be me.
I have been through a shame transformation. Which feels really good.
Each day is better now. And when I have a bad moment, I’m better equipped to handle it.
I love that.