Monthly Archives: June 2014

Confidence

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Confidence. It’s difficult sometimes. The week my group ended I was in a fabulous mood and full of confidence. And what’s really great is that the confidence is sticking around most of the time.

Today, however, I let doubt creep in and take over for awhile. I’m trying to push it away, but I’m struggling. The negative cognitions are pushing against the positive ones that I am trying to remember. I have to keep reading the positive ones and I’m just feeling a bit off. And I don’t like that.

I won’t let the negative things win, but tonight I just feel tired. Tired of the effort it takes to combat the negative sometimes. Tired of the ups and downs of my inner dialogue.

What I know for sure is that I have to get back to my individual therapy now that my disclosure group is finished. I missed an appointment and I never rescheduled. And now that a few weeks have gone by I can tell I still have some big hills to climb. I need the support. I need the focus on me that my individual therapy brings alive. There are other groups that I’d like to complete, but it will take some time to get into those groups. This in-between groups time makes the challenges still within me very clear.

I’m not a quitter, but tonight I kind of feel sick to my stomach. I worked out in hopes that would make it go away. It didn’t. I took a nap in hopes that it wouldn’t be there when I woke up. It was. Now I don’t know what else to do and that makes me feel crazy. I can’t just focus on one task and get it done, I’m all over the place. I hate that feeling. I even had my favorite pizza hoping THAT would make me feel better. It didn’t.

Confidence. Send some my way.

KK

Success, Healing, Connections

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My group is over this week which is really difficult to believe and a little sad in some ways.   I can’t believe that 12 weeks has gone by so quickly!  I wasn’t sure I could get myself to go and now I am looking at the ending of the process and the beginning of renewed hope and healing.

We will have a celebration and wrap up for the last time together and it is really difficult to imagine not seeing these amazing women each week.  There is no way I can describe just what these women mean to me and how much I admire each one of them.  They are beautiful people, courageous, strong, and inspirational.  They have touched my heart in ways I can never thank them enough for even if I have a lifetime to do so.  They are no longer victims, but survivors and friends.  People I will think about often and cheer for even from afar.

We all began this group worried and feeling defeated by our stories, by the victims inside of us.  We pushed against the process and tried to get out of the toughest parts of facing our pasts.  We made it!  We pushed past our fears to our disclosures.  We owned our stories and released the shame from ourselves to give it back to the criminals who deserve to carry that burden.  The shame is not ours anymore.  I am so very proud of each and every one of us.  The power in the room each week as we reclaimed ourselves and took control of our lives and our stories is something I will never allow myself to forget.  The support I received from these women as I began to rediscover myself without the burden of the sexual assault shame will remain a powerful force for me each and every day.

I have begun to heal in ways I never realized I needed to and in ways I never imagined were possible.  Healing has opened my heart in a way that makes me feel completely ready to trust and love myself and others.  I don’t wake up anymore with the heaviness that I have carried for over 20 years, and that is absolutely the best feeling in the world.

This week is a big ending to an emotional process, but an even bigger beginning to the rest of my healing and the rest of my life.  I love that group therapy was placed before me and placed on my heart as something I was ready to accept and trust.  I love that I understand healing now and that I understand that I am no longer a victim, but a survivor.  I love that I can now leave the shame behind me for the most part and move on to the rediscovered me.

KK

Love

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Love.

It’s all around you if you just believe in yourself and let it happen. If you take the time to really examine who you are, to feel comfortable with yourself, love will come to you. Love comes along when you least expect it. True love is being married to your best friend. Love is never giving up on the other person.

I used to hate reading those things. Especially the last one. Like if you “give up” on your love and/or marriage you are a terrible person. That’s just not true.

Sometimes love changes. Sometimes people change, but don’t change together or change in a way that isn’t able to be accepted by the other person. And I don’t think that makes either person terrible. Just too different to remain in love with each other. Too different in goals and dreams and desires to continue without losing part of who they are inside. People grow up, stop pretending to be something they aren’t anymore or maybe never were. People get tired of not being accepted for all their quirks, for their core.

What I do believe is that there is a lot of love in the world and it really does seem to come out of nowhere sometimes. Suddenly. Completely unexpected. Often at the wrong time. Other times at exactly the right time.

Like now.

I am me again now and for the last 19-20 months I have explored who that is to the point where I feel completely comfortable being alone and content. I began to imagine a life of me and my children, family, friends, and/or dogs traveling, exploring, and having fun doing wherever we want. I started to tell myself I don’t need to share that with anyone else because I’m so happy to finally be understanding myself and I won’t sacrifice or modify any of that for another person ever again.

And I won’t.

It seems I now have an awesome opportunity to truly understand and accept myself. And that makes me exactly the right person for someone else. At the right time for both of us to be open to it.

And that feels good. Ridiculously good. It took me by surprise when the friendship began awhile back, but then all at once I just let my walls down and the feelings came flooding in and took over. And as we both said just who we are and prepared for the other person to run the other way, something really awesome happened.

Complete acceptance. For the good, the not so great, the crazy, the weird, and the truly awesome depth of who we are as individuals.

People will say it’s crazy, too soon, too fast, and maybe other things too. But I don’t care.

I’m totally in love.

One definition reads like this — in love: inspired by affection.

I feel inspired. And I feel affection. I feel inspired by that affection. I looked those words up too. And they’re completely accurate words for what I feel.

This love feels way too good to hide it. So I won’t. And I’m so glad to have it that I wake up each day with a feeling of knowing why all the things that have happened so far in my life had to happen.

To prepare me for the love I have for myself and who I truly am. And to prepare me to be able to accept love from another person. To see it for all the things that love can be for us. And to get me to understand what it means for me to love someone else for exactly who they are inside and out.

I feel lucky. I feel grateful. I feel beautiful just the way that I am. I feel ready. And that’s amazing. I love that!

I’m in love. And I won’t try to stop that. Not today. Not ever. I’m just going to let it happen.

KK

Mixed bag week

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This week could not have begun any better for me. I had a ridiculously fun Sunday and Monday. Plus, Monday mornings I have my individual therapy. And this week was worth every penny I’ve spent to come this far in my progress.

When I arrived and sat down, my therapist said “your entire spirit feels differently to me, tell me about that.” I can’t say I was shocked that she feels that way, but I was a bit surprised that it was the first thing she said. I told her what’s been going on in my life and how much I’m beginning to look forward to each day. Days where I don’t even think about all the challenges I have faced. Days when I am true to myself every minute.

My spirit feels free. That’s probably the best I can say it. I feel amazing, excited, joyful, hopeful, and at peace. I feel confident in my ability to trust again. To love. To be fully me and to share that with the right people.

This week was also a low point for me. I really struggled in group this week and I’m having some trouble getting past it. It was the most intense group has been for me and it just knocked me right back to a place I don’t want to be anymore. It’s heavy on my mind this morning and I’m digging up skills from my coping group to get through each five-minute chunk of my morning.

Betrayal. Disgust. Guilt. Loss of self. Loss of safety. Desire to hide.

Shame. That heavy shame.

Having intense moments like that in group is necessary and I understand that it’s part of the healing process, but it made my breath catch and a lump form in my throat. For the last few weeks I honestly felt I was done. I was on such a high from my disclosure and the relief that it brought me that I had days where I didn’t think I would even need to continue therapy at all. I guess it was ridiculous to think that it would be that easy, but after soooo long I just really hoped that this was my past and no longer a part of me.

One of the women in my group said “it’s a part of me, but it isn’t who I am.” I think that’s a great statement and one I really needed to hear.

Sometimes it is so disappointing to me that the person I was is gone. And that I have to carry this piece of me around in my life. It makes me so angry some days that I can’t even get out of bed. But that woman is right, it isn’t who I am. I’m not willing to let it consume me. Not anymore.

I’m thankful I have plans for a great weekend which I’m fully confident will help me get past what I’m feeling right now.

I can’t focus on the great weekend ahead and also be consumed by disgust and doubt. They don’t go together, I won’t let them.

KK