Mixed bag week

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This week could not have begun any better for me. I had a ridiculously fun Sunday and Monday. Plus, Monday mornings I have my individual therapy. And this week was worth every penny I’ve spent to come this far in my progress.

When I arrived and sat down, my therapist said “your entire spirit feels differently to me, tell me about that.” I can’t say I was shocked that she feels that way, but I was a bit surprised that it was the first thing she said. I told her what’s been going on in my life and how much I’m beginning to look forward to each day. Days where I don’t even think about all the challenges I have faced. Days when I am true to myself every minute.

My spirit feels free. That’s probably the best I can say it. I feel amazing, excited, joyful, hopeful, and at peace. I feel confident in my ability to trust again. To love. To be fully me and to share that with the right people.

This week was also a low point for me. I really struggled in group this week and I’m having some trouble getting past it. It was the most intense group has been for me and it just knocked me right back to a place I don’t want to be anymore. It’s heavy on my mind this morning and I’m digging up skills from my coping group to get through each five-minute chunk of my morning.

Betrayal. Disgust. Guilt. Loss of self. Loss of safety. Desire to hide.

Shame. That heavy shame.

Having intense moments like that in group is necessary and I understand that it’s part of the healing process, but it made my breath catch and a lump form in my throat. For the last few weeks I honestly felt I was done. I was on such a high from my disclosure and the relief that it brought me that I had days where I didn’t think I would even need to continue therapy at all. I guess it was ridiculous to think that it would be that easy, but after soooo long I just really hoped that this was my past and no longer a part of me.

One of the women in my group said “it’s a part of me, but it isn’t who I am.” I think that’s a great statement and one I really needed to hear.

Sometimes it is so disappointing to me that the person I was is gone. And that I have to carry this piece of me around in my life. It makes me so angry some days that I can’t even get out of bed. But that woman is right, it isn’t who I am. I’m not willing to let it consume me. Not anymore.

I’m thankful I have plans for a great weekend which I’m fully confident will help me get past what I’m feeling right now.

I can’t focus on the great weekend ahead and also be consumed by disgust and doubt. They don’t go together, I won’t let them.

KK

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