Bucket lists

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Healing wishes. After our disclosures in group we each wrote and read a healing wish to the person who disclosed that day. It was so powerful and so wonderful. One in particular really struck me as it was read to me and I hear it in my head sometimes when I’m having a bad day. It included a wish that I be able to dance freely again without holding back or feeling shame. Oh how I would love that!!

I was thinking about that healing wish this morning because I saw a Facebook post of something I’d love to do, but likely never will because of fear. Fear I wouldn’t have if I had not been through my sexual assault.

So I started thinking about bucket lists, and although I just feel irritated when that phrase is used, I understand what value it has for people to make a list of things they would love to do in their lifetime. My list isn’t necessarily things I haven’t done, but things I’d like to feel comfortable doing again. Without fear. Without shame.

With “reckless abandon.”

A list of things I’d like to reclaim or do:
1. Dancing
2. Go to an Eminem concert
3. Wear clothes I love
4. Feel sexy
5. Walk at night
6. Love my body

There’s probably other things too. Sometimes in a situation I’ll think “the old me would have done that.” Sometimes in those moments I feel sad or angry or even scared.

I wanna be me again. ALL the way me. But sometimes that feels like it’s just impossible.

I’ll keep trying. I have to try.

KK

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