Monthly Archives: September 2014

Going back

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Well, I’m going back for more. More support. More information. More learning. More validation.

More group therapy.

I wasn’t going to do it. And then this week happened. It’s the worst week I can remember having in a very long time. (No, I do not want to talk about it so don’t ask.) And just as it is about over, I realized I have ignored some very large moments in the past week or two that I needed to give more attention.

The first was running into a member of my last group. It was really great to see her and talk about how we are each doing. It was extra great that it was specifically her because she struggled a lot and I have hated not getting to know if she’s ok. She is. And that’s awesome. I ran into her at the end of last week and it was great, but I brushed it off as just a strange coincidence.

I know that is not the case now.

Just when this week became what I thought was a total loss, I got a voicemail from the facilitator of my last group. She wanted to offer me a spot in a new group starting next week. I brushed off the phone call and waited for the voicemail, which I listened to and then also brushed off.

But this afternoon I had a trigger moment happen that took my breath away and really knocked me down for awhile. And now all I can think about is the fact that neither of those two things–running into the group member and getting the phone call–was a coincidence at all.

They were moments I desperately needed.

Moments where my intuition was trying to say “how are you doing because you look like you need some support.”

And that’s true. I do.

So since it was a crap day and I couldn’t make the return call without being a mess of tears, I emailed the facilitator to say please put me in the group if the spot is still open. I sure hope it is still open for me. And I’m hoping some of my former group members will be in it too. Reconnecting would be really nice.

It’s important to really listen to yourself. And I do that fairly well most of the time. But I need to stop being lazy about it. It’s easy to ignore my own stuff right now because things have been going really well for me. That’s awesome and I’m glad to be where I’m at right now.

But I can’t forget about taking care of me. Not ever again.

So I’m going back. For me.

KK

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a little less hiding a little more me

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I danced.  And I got contacts.

These seem like insignificant things to many people.  But certainly not to me.

The last time I danced freely I don’t have any memory of it because I drank too much.  This time, I remember how it felt to dance.  I still had been drinking, but I was not out of control and I remember all things that happened that night.  I had a great time.  And dancing felt really, really good.  It felt like a little more of me fell into place and that is so cool.  I want to do it again soon.

For me, glasses are fashion.  Just about the only fashion I care about most days.  I love all my glasses and I always have a lot of them.  But a part of me uses those glasses for safety.  To hide behind them because without them, I kind of feel exposed and naked.  That’s weird, but it is totally true and absolutely how I feel.  I used to wear contacts and this week I decided it was time to try them again.  And it has only been two days, but I feel pretty comfortable so far.  Exposed, yes, but ok with the risk.  Confident even.  Well, confident might be going too far.  But I think I’ll get there.

These things feel like big steps to me and I’m proud of them.  I continue to make progress in discovering me and I really love that.  I’ll still wear glasses at times.  Sometimes that will be cuz I’m too lazy for the contacts and sometimes that will be because I just like the way I look in many of my glasses.  And possibly I will wear glasses at times I don’t feel confident and want a bit of protection between my eyes and the world looking at my eyes.  I like to look at people when I’m talking to them, but having them look back at me when I’m feeling vulnerable (or avoiding feeling vulnerable) is less comfortable for me for sure.

I’m feeling pretty good lately, but I will stay the course because I still have some hurdles in the way of rediscovering the full me.

I’m going to keep going toward being me.  So you should do the same.

Be you.

KK