Monthly Archives: October 2014

Fuck is a really good word

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If you don’t swear, that is totally cool with me.  Good for you.

I happen to think that swear words are just the same as other words with a greater impact in some cases.  It doesn’t offend me at all when someone uses a swear word around me.  Yes, I taught my kids that they really shouldn’t say those types of words because they aren’t “nice” words and are certainly not acceptable in school or when at church or talking to their grandparents.  But as they got older, I didn’t really freak out if they swore either.  There are much worse decisions my children could make than swearing.

Besides…

Fuck is a really good word.  It is certainly my favorite choice for swearing.  I use it for good (fuck yes, I got the job) and bad (fuck, I stubbed my toe) reasons.  It can even be so powerful that it is an entire sentence all by itself!

Recently, an organization put out an ad with a message.  That organization is called FCKH8.  The word fuck is used over and over by little girls of various ages dressed as princesses.  I don’t claim to agree with or know everything there is to know about the group putting out the ad, but frankly it didn’t bother me that at the end of the video was a clear message of “you should buy this shirt.”  And even though I could see that I was supposed to want to buy a shirt after watching it, I felt the message was SO good, so clear that…well…I simply loved it.  I loved it a lot.  And I still do.

Simply put (by me), the video makes the case that people will be way more upset by little kids saying FUCK than by the messages in the video which are unequal pay, rape, valuing women based only on looks, and the gross use of phrases like “don’t act like a girl” when talking to boys.

Here is the video: http://fckh8.myshopify.com

I have literally lost count of how many discussions I have had this week regarding this video and to me that is kind of awesome.  Because that means A) tons of people are watching it and B) people are talking about it which likely means they are talking about the issues IN it.

Here are some of the arguments against it that I faced this week and how I feel about those issues:

  1. Little girls shouldn’t talk that way, period.  As a mother/father I can’t accept that they allowed the girls to talk like that.
    1. The children are ACTORS, they are not being exploited (in my opinion). They are acting out a role that was discussed with them and their parents. And they were very likely compensated as actors. Children act in tv and movies all the time and they don’t all become doomed, awful people for swearing or whatever else they are doing for an acting job.
    2. You cannot possibly convince me that because the girls used the word FUCK in a video that they will be emotionally disturbed. It is just a word!
    3. I don’t disagree that little kids shouldn’t run around swearing whenever and wherever they want to, but I don’t think just because they acted a role they will now be out of control. Kids can and should learn appropriate behavior for different environments, they are not stupid, you just have to talk to kids at a level appropriate for their age.
  2. The video is anti-boy or anti-men.
    1. What the FUCK?? There is not one single moment in which this video says all men/boys are horrible, terrible humans or that all men rape or hate women.
    2. The video also does NOT say or teach that all men are incapable of understanding or being a part of fighting for the rights of women. It does NOT say men cannot understand or support a woman who has been raped.
    3. The video DOES address people saying to boys “don’t act like a girl.” And that is because, as the BOY states, the person saying it is doing so because they believe it is BAD or LESS THAN (a boy) to be a girl. Gross, that is just gross. This is a big one for me because i heard it a lot from coaches for my son. And the problem is that sometimes, I would say to the coach, “why did you say that” and it was purely a habit. A few coaches when my son was very little actually stopped to think about it and said, “you know, it is just what has always been said.” And they recognized why it was a putdown to girls AND they changed and didn’t use it anymore (yes, that I know of, obviously).
  3. Girls shouldn’t have to know or talk about those issues at such young ages.
    1. This is just ridiculous. OF COURSE THEY SHOULD! Giving children knowledge and information is one of the ways in which parents MUST do everything they can to protect their children. Yes, talk about it age-appropriately, but at least talk about it. You can’t just let kids be kids as long as possible by shielding them from the world. This is a world FULL of technology. Your kids go to school, stores, restaurants, and tons of other places. Like it or not, your kids ARE hearing about these issues and if you’d like some control over what they learn and when, then it is your job to talk about issues and give your children the tools to handle situations.
    2. As awful as it is, MANY girls at the same or younger ages than the girls in the video will have to talk about the issues because they will already be victims of bullying, unfair treatment, and sexual abuse or assault. Talk to your kids about these issues because talking openly is what will help them to feel comfortable coming to you if something is happening to them.
    3. Some girls (and boys) are children of people who have been sexually assaulted. Like mine. This means they absolutely need to be aware of it because it is part of who I am and part of how I go through life and part of how I parent. AND THAT’S OK.
  4. I would smack/punch/kick their ass if my daughter talked that way.
    1. What the FUCK are you saying? Do you hear yourself at all???
    2. If you think swearing is the worst thing your child can do, and that it should result in abuse, you are likely part of the problems this video discusses.

Like I said, I have spent countless hours discussing this video and I really don’t think any information I get will make me not love it.  I like the shock value of the girls saying fuck, I like the way it was presented, and I love that this information reached SO many people.  Like it or hate it, people discussed it and still are discussing it as I write this.  Sometimes respectfully and sometimes without much respect for each other’s opinions.

I have only been a part of one situation where I feel that the conversation got unnecessarily disrespectful, and that was on twitter.  In my opinion, twitter is where cowards pick fights and show their true and awful colors because they don’t have to be accountable by showing their true identity.  Whatever.  I can honestly say that I was calm in all situations where I discussed the video.  I do see value in most opinions and consider the arguments against the video.  And I think it is awesome when people discuss topics with such passion for their side.

If you can’t stand up for who you love and what you really believe, then what the fuck DO you stand for?

KK

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Asserting myself…maybe

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I’m still avoiding the girl in the corner. Mostly, I think I know why.

It is very difficult for me to talk about it because I never have fully discussed it outside of my disclosure night in my last therapy group. That night, information and realizations came out of me that I had never admitted to myself. In fact, I blatantly ignored the information that I was aware of and denied there could be anything I had not fully recalled.

I buried that girl in denial and shame. And part of me would really like to leave her right there.

Sometimes, you come in contact with people in life and you just wonder what possible good they are offering the world and the people around them. You know the people I’m talking about, don’t you? People who are just mean for no good reason. People who are aggressive or manipulative, or both. People who just say or do awful things without even knowing what they are talking about or why they are doing whatever it is they are doing. This blows my mind.

I was not a nice teenager, and I’m certainly not going to justify any of my bad behavior, but you can excuse teenagers for acting out some or being mean to some degree because they just aren’t fully developed, functioning people.

Here’s what bugs me the most right now about wanting to face that girl in the corner: I am scared of what she will do and say.

I have exactly 2 very challenging people in my world right now. And when their behavior gets to a certain point, I allow myself to think and feel in ways that the girl in the corner controls. I don’t like it. I haven’t learned to control it.

So there it is. I feel like I can’t.

On the logical side of my current self is someone who is well-aware that speaking my full mind to these 2 folks would be all wasted breath because they are not ready or able to hear what I have to say. This logical side is intersecting with the person inside me who just wants to defend myself and explain some things and make them understand and yes, just plain hurt them in return for the things they have said or done that I have allowed to hurt me. But again, that is because the part of me that isn’t done with therapy still feels that sometimes I can control or own other people’s reactions or feelings.

I can’t. That’s a thing that really sucks sometimes about communication.

But now I have new information that is causing me to regret one situation where I did not speak my mind. One situation where I have learned that with self-control and compassion, I could have asserted myself and that would have been perfectly acceptable and would have been just what I needed. I am a couple of weeks into group and last week this realization hit me like a 2×4 across the face. I can BE successfully assertive EVEN IF the person reacts in a way I don’t like or that doesn’t give me an opportunity to feel better about the situation. I have still done what I needed to do to feel good about myself. I have asserted myself. Successfully. Because the reaction of that person isn’t what controls the success of my learning to be assertive.

Bam! I love that realization.

I wish I had that realization a few months ago, but I didn’t, so I didn’t assert myself with either of these 2 jerks. And with 1 of them, that really bugs me. Worse yet, I allowed myself to get talked out of asserting myself. You know why? I sure don’t. That’s not typically me.

Now, my group facilitator would say that I still have the right to assert myself now even though the actual moment has long passed. And I understand that she says that because, again, the reaction of the person is not the successful outcome/measurement to me asserting myself. So who cares if I am a few months late in asserting myself? Well, I did care, but now I am beginning to feel that I cared for the wrong reasons. I let shame and ick from the girl in the corner get in the way of what I need to be happy.

Today I was driving some distance and I do some of my best thinking in the car. And what I learned today is that in the spirit of letting that girl in the corner start to heal, I MUST assert myself. No matter what the reaction. Especially when not asserting myself is holding back my healing.

So look out world, I’m about to rediscover my assertive self.

KK

Peaks and valleys

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Healing is like hiking up a mountain.

At the beginning, you are faced with a beautiful challenge and you are full of excitement.  You begin your journey with hope, positivity, strength, and energy.  As you begin to ascend, you get to areas where you begin to feel challenged.  These challenges don’t stop you, because you are still full of that energy and strength.  You climb higher without any thought of stopping, sometimes looking behind to see how far you have already climbed.  After some more time and some more elevation has passed under your feet, you need to take your first break.  You stop to look around at your accomplishment so far and you feel great.  You reflect on the achievement, but you are also very aware of the challenges you still face.  As you begin to walk again, you feel the distance you’ve already climbed as a weight, lessons learned, but positive ones that you carry with you.  You begin to meet larger challenges, steeper, rockier areas that slow you down and make you take more time so that you can move forward without falling. As you press on, and the challenges continue before you, you start to wonder if you should turn back or keep going.  You start to have moments where you wonder if it is worth it to go farther, or where you reach valleys that appear to actually be going backward a bit, or you may wonder if you even can continue at all.  At some points, you may have to take more breaks, but you believe the view from the top will be worth all of your efforts.  As you reach the most challenging areas with not much distance yet before you, you still consider stopping.  You say to yourself that you have come SO far, far enough, and the view is already beautiful and fulfilling.  If you have loved ones with you, either in person or in spirit, you know they want you to succeed and will support you whether you stop here or continue.  You think about things that have inspired you, and what made you decide to start this journey in the first place.  You feel exhausted, you focus on your breathing, and you may try to convince yourself that you have gone far enough and don’t need to go any further.  Something inside you drives you to continue and as you reach the peak your efforts, your strength, your challenges become more than you can handle.  You scream with joy, you laugh, or maybe you cry tears of joy for the success you achieved in getting to the top.

At the top of a mountain, there are many moments to take in and enjoy.  You take in these moments without any thought for the fact that you must go back down to complete the journey.  You reflect on your journey so far and appreciate the struggles that led you to the top.  And as you face the descent, you feel complete.

Getting to the top isn’t the whole journey.

As you begin the descent, you realize that you have accomplished more than you ever thought possible, and you didn’t consider the rest of the path in front of you to hold just as many challenges.  Yes, you really HAVE succeeded in discovering and accomplishing so very much, but you must not just plow forward now without any focus.  Because if you plow forward as if there are no more challenges, you may begin to move more quickly than you can handle.  You may stumble or fall as you move too quickly and don’t give the path the ongoing attention you need to give it.  Take control of your descent as part of your journey and you will see that you have as much to learn from this path as you learned from the larger challenges you faced and conquered.  Yes, you will reach the bottom eventually, but not without moments where you are challenged, tired, or want to give up somehow.

And just when you think you have finished, there will always be another mountain to climb.

KK

Therapy Thursdays

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Today is the beginning of Therapy Thursdays!

I have been going to my individual therapist on Thursdays and now my 6 week group will be starting as well.  I am so looking forward to being back in a group and I so hope to see some familiar faces.  It has been a rough week and a half and clearly I’m not sleeping well again since I am up writing this at 12:09 am, so Therapy Thursdays will hopefully ease the highways of thought going on in my head constantly.  I skipped my individual session last week so she’s really gonna be working for her money today cuz I have some real hot messes to admit to and discuss.

I have challenges, everyone does, and lately I am feeling those challenges become more than I can handle.  I’m hiding, avoiding, ignoring, minimizing, and just generally not dealing with things I need to face.  For me.  And for everyone in my life.

Luckily, I have really good peeps in my life.  And I’m almost to the weekend where I get together with many of the best women I know and love.  And after this weekend, I will put my effort into my solo camping/cabin trip for this year.  I haven’t done it because I’ve had a busy year with the big move and dating and stuff.  But it is time.  I can feel it.

I need nature and just me.

I took one of those Facebook type tests today and however ridiculous they probably are, it indicated that I have a need to be in nature alone.  That nature is what my subconscious focuses on most of the time.

For reflection.  For comfort.  For me.  And that is so true.

So…onward to Therapy Thursdays and a chilly plan to camp or cabin on my own as soon as I can schedule it and make it work.

What do you need to do when you need to refocus your goals and recenter yourself?  Think about it.

KK