Well, as if the anniversary of an assault isn’t already enough in one week, I have my second disclosure tonight in group therapy.
A disclosure I can’t even see in my head at all. I don’t know how it starts or how it ends or what it looks like in the middle. I’ve been rather quiet about this round of group therapy. Mostly because I’m still blaming myself for a lot of the stuff involved. The group has been helpful in many ways, but I’m avoiding things and fighting myself every step of the way. And I feel shame. Blame. Disgust even.
I’m really hoping to break through those barriers tonight. I’ve talked through the disclosure issues in my individual therapy and I’m kind of a believer in the fact that whatever needs to come out will come out during the moment the facilitator says go. I couldn’t write it down because I didn’t know what to write. And reading it would probably mean I would disconnect from the feelings and read it as if it was about someone other than myself.
Parts of this disclosure have sometimes come out in my relationship and I like when I just blurt out something and it is ok. Validated even. The freedom to work through this stuff out loud and sometimes completely at random is one of my favorite things about the comfort, support, and love I feel in my relationship. I have never had that before now. This kind of unconditional love is absolutely amazing and I cherish it every single day.
Tonight is about the Girl in the Corner. I hope I can have some compassion for her and provide her with some forgiveness. I want to be able to see her as a person who is worthy. I want to be able to incorporate her into myself and accept that she is a part of me. A part I don’t have to be ashamed of because wanting to be around someone doesn’t mean I asked to be humiliated or coerced or forced to have sex.
Part of me wants to run the other way and not show up.
But I have to do this for that girl. She deserves so much more love than I give her.