It has been awhile since I have published something. I have written, but the things I’m uncovering and discovering are too soaked in shame to share right now. I hope I can move past that eventually, but for now I’m just smiling through each day. Bringing out the inappropriate laughter to cope and sticking close to the people who, without question, believe me and strengthen me. I’m struggling, but I will survive this too.
This quote from an article I read today rings so true for me–“”I think of my life then as a performance art act, because I performed as though everything was fine, but when I could, I became very reclusive,” she said.” The article can be found here: I Will Find You
I like to be alone. I need to be alone sometimes. And I can always tell when I’m not taking enough time for that because I start to feel super anxious. Like every single day I have to work extra hard not to just throw some shit in my car and go. Far. Or hop a plane. I better plan an alone trip soon.
In therapy recently I’ve been tackling some pretty giant stuff. Stuff I didn’t realize was so big and so paralyzing. I was doing an EMDR session when some memories came up that stopped me in my tracks. I had buried this and that and went on with life like those things didn’t matter. Boy do they matter. A lot.
With the new memories, some new struggles are popping up. Because in some areas of communication and coping and loving, I’ve really come far. And in some areas, I feel I’ve only just begun. I completely shut down sometimes. More lately. And it sucks because even when I recognize it happening, I can’t stop it. And then I shame myself for it. Sigh…so sick of that cycle.
My boyfriend asks me sometimes if I’ll go to therapy forever. I’m not always sure how to answer that. I might have to, which is ok. I might not have to, and that’s ok too. Sometimes, I just want to, because it’s a really great feeling to evaluate or work through an issue with someone who isn’t personally connected to me or the issue. And my therapy needs are definitely decreasing with him by my side. When I’m able to open up and talk to him, his reaction is always spot on and supportive. I know without question he has my back. I love that.
It doesn’t hurt that I have terrific insurance right now too. I don’t live near The Healing Center anymore, so no free therapy for me. Gosh I miss that place and those people. Leaving it behind was the most difficult part of my decision to move. Once or twice I have felt I have to go back, but I’m pretty certain I’m where I need to be right now.
New memories can’t keep coming, I’m almost to the end of what I buried from the assault and years of emotionally abusive relationships. The awesome part is that most days, my life is so happy and full of greatness, that all this stuff itself is merely a memory. A small blip on the radar of my mind.
So come on memories, feel free to keep coming out and after my brief struggles, be prepared to be put away for good.