Tag Archives: breathing

Peaks and valleys

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Healing is like hiking up a mountain.

At the beginning, you are faced with a beautiful challenge and you are full of excitement.  You begin your journey with hope, positivity, strength, and energy.  As you begin to ascend, you get to areas where you begin to feel challenged.  These challenges don’t stop you, because you are still full of that energy and strength.  You climb higher without any thought of stopping, sometimes looking behind to see how far you have already climbed.  After some more time and some more elevation has passed under your feet, you need to take your first break.  You stop to look around at your accomplishment so far and you feel great.  You reflect on the achievement, but you are also very aware of the challenges you still face.  As you begin to walk again, you feel the distance you’ve already climbed as a weight, lessons learned, but positive ones that you carry with you.  You begin to meet larger challenges, steeper, rockier areas that slow you down and make you take more time so that you can move forward without falling. As you press on, and the challenges continue before you, you start to wonder if you should turn back or keep going.  You start to have moments where you wonder if it is worth it to go farther, or where you reach valleys that appear to actually be going backward a bit, or you may wonder if you even can continue at all.  At some points, you may have to take more breaks, but you believe the view from the top will be worth all of your efforts.  As you reach the most challenging areas with not much distance yet before you, you still consider stopping.  You say to yourself that you have come SO far, far enough, and the view is already beautiful and fulfilling.  If you have loved ones with you, either in person or in spirit, you know they want you to succeed and will support you whether you stop here or continue.  You think about things that have inspired you, and what made you decide to start this journey in the first place.  You feel exhausted, you focus on your breathing, and you may try to convince yourself that you have gone far enough and don’t need to go any further.  Something inside you drives you to continue and as you reach the peak your efforts, your strength, your challenges become more than you can handle.  You scream with joy, you laugh, or maybe you cry tears of joy for the success you achieved in getting to the top.

At the top of a mountain, there are many moments to take in and enjoy.  You take in these moments without any thought for the fact that you must go back down to complete the journey.  You reflect on your journey so far and appreciate the struggles that led you to the top.  And as you face the descent, you feel complete.

Getting to the top isn’t the whole journey.

As you begin the descent, you realize that you have accomplished more than you ever thought possible, and you didn’t consider the rest of the path in front of you to hold just as many challenges.  Yes, you really HAVE succeeded in discovering and accomplishing so very much, but you must not just plow forward now without any focus.  Because if you plow forward as if there are no more challenges, you may begin to move more quickly than you can handle.  You may stumble or fall as you move too quickly and don’t give the path the ongoing attention you need to give it.  Take control of your descent as part of your journey and you will see that you have as much to learn from this path as you learned from the larger challenges you faced and conquered.  Yes, you will reach the bottom eventually, but not without moments where you are challenged, tired, or want to give up somehow.

And just when you think you have finished, there will always be another mountain to climb.

KK

Music is always perfect

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Music is always perfect, at least for me.  There is nothing I can’t get over, get through, or get back by listening to music.  Loud music.  Singing loudly.  I love it!!

Today, after a week that was pretty tough from a lot of different angles, it is loud music, working out, and organizing my place for an upcoming move.

Today is a special message for someone from way back in my past that I like to tell off with music any chance I get.  Maybe you think I should just get over it and move on, like what’s the point of thinking about someone who was manipulative, dishonest, and hurtful.  Well, I’ll tell you why I don’t want to just forget that person forever: it serves a purpose.  It will keep me from doing what I did in 2012 by letting that person get back in my head and allowing him to manipulate and hurt me all over again.  That will NEVER happen again.  And that feels really good.

I learned about age regression in therapy right after allowing myself to be hurt all over again by this person and that was a big deal for me.  You see, when this person contacted me after MANY years of no contact, I couldn’t figure out why my logical side was like “go away, this communication is toxic and not going to happen,” but I kept allowing the contact, enjoying the reconnection and moving through all the conversations as if I didn’t know how very toxic it really was going to be for me.  My brain, my thought processes, they were 20 again.  I didn’t think about it as current me, I thought about it as the girl who way back then would have done anything to just get the truth so that I could have been enough for that person to trust me with who he really was inside.  He never did trust me to accept him.  He didn’t believe I would because he didn’t believe anyone could accept him.  And now I know, fully, that when I was 20 I had a choice to make.  Me or him.  I chose ME!

Anyway, none of that matters now that I know that the current me wasn’t making most of those decisions to talk to him.  Now let me be clear: I KNOW that many people will read that and think it is just a way to justify stupid decisions with a therapeutic concept like age regression.  You have the full right to believe that.  But I know what I experienced and I know myself now well enough to know that without age regression involved, I would NEVER have allowed that contact to happen.  I would have said what I needed to say and then shut off communication completely.  So it’s ok if you don’t believe it, I don’t need you to understand or believe me.

I believe in me.  Even after this very difficult week.

So today, I’ll blast the music and feel good about me.  I’ll understand that I can sing these things very loudly and not really care that I can’t go back to 2012 and say the RIGHT things that I needed to say.  He likely wouldn’t get it anyway and I DON’T NEED HIM TO-wow that is awesome.  I don’t need him to forgive me for things I did or said because I have forgiven myself.  I know that choosing me was the best thing I ever did at that time in my life.  And right now, I’m choosing myself again and that is feeling really, really good.  I am beginning to understand myself in ways I haven’t since I was about 18 years old.

Now, I’m going to get back to the music and put on my playlist that is about powerfully believing in myself.  Let’s sing!

KK

Deep breaths

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Concentrate on breathing.

Dumb.

I hate when people say that to me. I mean, I know that the person is telling me to relax because they want to help. But don’t you think if I could, I would? I don’t love walking around many days not able to get a deep enough breath.

Today was a good day. Lots of positive things happened.

But all throughout the good things I couldn’t breathe. Some days that’s just how it feels. The weight I carry feels heavy today. The “I should have done something” feels heavy today. For lots of reasons.

Thank goodness for apps like white noise and Relax Melodies. They help me fall asleep. Even when I can’t breathe.

Tomorrow I hope for deep breaths.

KK