Tag Archives: confidence

A New Year and a Look Back

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A lot can change in a year. And for me, 2014 was a really big year for change.

I started 2014 with many conflicting emotions and a rather high level of anxiety. I didn’t trust myself and I felt trapped by many of my own thoughts. I was thinking about buying a house or trying to decide on continuing to rent, and I had all of the stress that went with those decisions. I was getting ready to start my 12-week group which was one of the scariest things I have ever faced. I was at the end of a divorce that I agonized over for way too many years. I was helping my teenage daughter cope with the change of living in two homes and helping us both deal with the fact that my now adult son was living out on his own and not in our daily lives.

That’s a lot of stuff. And really those things were just daily life from January to April, which left a lot of year left to live.

Thankfully, 2014 started out a bit full of stress, but became a year of fabulous positive change as well.

I bought my house on May 27 and they only considered my income and credit.  ONLY ME.  I did it all on my own and that felt awesome.  Moving is always stressful, but this was a lot more fun because as I moved in all the decisions were up to me.  I could put colorful things and things that mean the world to me everywhere I wanted and that makes me feel comfy and good.  One of my greatest friends got to visit this summer and helped me settle in even more and decorate my sunroom, which is a really awesome space.

Spring and early summer was also a time for a lot of excitement, a bit of giggling, and a dash of anxiety as I began a positive new relationship and experienced a first date for the first time since 1995!  Scott and I went to high school together and reconnecting with him all these years later has been really, really great.  He and I reconnected at a time when I least expected to be taking any time for dating, especially any dates that would lead to an actual relationship.  I was in the middle of my therapy group, just a week divorced, and kind of a mess of feelings.  But from our first messages to each other, we have never stopped talking and he has very quickly become the best friend a girl could hope to have by her side through whatever comes our way.  In just 8 months together we have had many of the best times I could imagine ever having and we have also faced a lot of challenges…and whenever I feel like my “stuff” is just going to be too much for him, he is right there to tell me that I’m worth it.  He has listened to me scream, yell, doubt myself, doubt him, be stubborn as a mule, and cry my eyes out.  Scott is thoughtful, understanding, spontaneous, dedicated to who and what he loves, smart, respectful, a great listener, charming, trustworthy, a great father, a fabulous dancer, and makes me laugh each and every day.  I love you, Scott.  Thanks for being you and being in my life.

Going through summer was fun not only because of my new love, but because I got to become more and more settled in my home and finished up the first and most difficult therapy group after 12 long weeks.  Being a part of that group with the other terrific women I met and grew to care about so much was more rewarding than I imagined it would be when it started.  Disclosing my sexual assault experience was liberating and began a healing process that I had buried and ignored for a very long time.  I feel very fortunate to have met the people who helped me go through that process.

I have continued my individual therapy and it has brought with it some new challenges that I can now manage with better coping skills.  And I love that. Fall brought some personal challenges, some a surprise and some things that were just buried under the more obvious things I have faced that are now ready to come out.  I like that therapy place where I can say anything and get an unbiased opinion on how to handle it, when I could have done something differently, and when I really did a great job of communicating and maintaining my personal boundaries.

I also love that no matter what happens to me each day, the first person I think of to tell is Scott.  I always sold myself short on that part of my relationships.  I always felt my girlfriends were the people who should be there for that stuff.  I love that Scott has become my best friend.  I still value the love and friendship of my best gals, but I adore knowing that my partner in love has my back and loves me no matter what ridiculous thing I do or say.

This fall, I wrote a post about Thanksgiving being difficult for me.  And I love that I could get to Alaska for Thanksgiving.  Spending time with my friend there is like a reset button for me, she and I have known each other for so long there is a complete relaxation to being together.  I love her family, and being around her just makes the crazy in my head easier to bear.

Looking at December and the end of 2014 seemed SO far away just a minute ago.  But all of a sudden, there it was right in front of me.  And as years go, it was a really great one even though it started out a little tough.  Letting go of my marriage was difficult, but we have maintained a relationship that allows us to continue to love and parent our kids the best way possible and I am proud of that.  Celebrating the holidays with my kids has always been a favorite thing for me and this year was no different.  The way our family looks has changed, but the love we share is still the thing that puts a spring in my step and can bring a smile to my face anytime I think of it.

2015 has started off better than any year for quite a long time.  I look forward to the new and exciting things ahead and the continued healing I will explore in my therapy and in a new group I will be starting soon.

I hope your year will be great too.  You deserve it!

KK

a little less hiding a little more me

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I danced.  And I got contacts.

These seem like insignificant things to many people.  But certainly not to me.

The last time I danced freely I don’t have any memory of it because I drank too much.  This time, I remember how it felt to dance.  I still had been drinking, but I was not out of control and I remember all things that happened that night.  I had a great time.  And dancing felt really, really good.  It felt like a little more of me fell into place and that is so cool.  I want to do it again soon.

For me, glasses are fashion.  Just about the only fashion I care about most days.  I love all my glasses and I always have a lot of them.  But a part of me uses those glasses for safety.  To hide behind them because without them, I kind of feel exposed and naked.  That’s weird, but it is totally true and absolutely how I feel.  I used to wear contacts and this week I decided it was time to try them again.  And it has only been two days, but I feel pretty comfortable so far.  Exposed, yes, but ok with the risk.  Confident even.  Well, confident might be going too far.  But I think I’ll get there.

These things feel like big steps to me and I’m proud of them.  I continue to make progress in discovering me and I really love that.  I’ll still wear glasses at times.  Sometimes that will be cuz I’m too lazy for the contacts and sometimes that will be because I just like the way I look in many of my glasses.  And possibly I will wear glasses at times I don’t feel confident and want a bit of protection between my eyes and the world looking at my eyes.  I like to look at people when I’m talking to them, but having them look back at me when I’m feeling vulnerable (or avoiding feeling vulnerable) is less comfortable for me for sure.

I’m feeling pretty good lately, but I will stay the course because I still have some hurdles in the way of rediscovering the full me.

I’m going to keep going toward being me.  So you should do the same.

Be you.

KK

Confidence

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Confidence. It’s difficult sometimes. The week my group ended I was in a fabulous mood and full of confidence. And what’s really great is that the confidence is sticking around most of the time.

Today, however, I let doubt creep in and take over for awhile. I’m trying to push it away, but I’m struggling. The negative cognitions are pushing against the positive ones that I am trying to remember. I have to keep reading the positive ones and I’m just feeling a bit off. And I don’t like that.

I won’t let the negative things win, but tonight I just feel tired. Tired of the effort it takes to combat the negative sometimes. Tired of the ups and downs of my inner dialogue.

What I know for sure is that I have to get back to my individual therapy now that my disclosure group is finished. I missed an appointment and I never rescheduled. And now that a few weeks have gone by I can tell I still have some big hills to climb. I need the support. I need the focus on me that my individual therapy brings alive. There are other groups that I’d like to complete, but it will take some time to get into those groups. This in-between groups time makes the challenges still within me very clear.

I’m not a quitter, but tonight I kind of feel sick to my stomach. I worked out in hopes that would make it go away. It didn’t. I took a nap in hopes that it wouldn’t be there when I woke up. It was. Now I don’t know what else to do and that makes me feel crazy. I can’t just focus on one task and get it done, I’m all over the place. I hate that feeling. I even had my favorite pizza hoping THAT would make me feel better. It didn’t.

Confidence. Send some my way.

KK