I’ve committed to doing some EMDR again. And the first session is Wednesday. I’m nervous. Because I can’t stop myself from feeling like I do it wrong.
That’s ridiculous, of course, you can’t really do it wrong, but that is how I feel.
I told this therapist up front that I need to be pushed so I don’t avoid things. Why did I say that?? It’s true, and I’m mostly glad I told her so that I don’t avoid things and not face the things I most need to work through this time.
It’s mucking up my whole week though because I’m nervous and so my body is responding poorly to everything I do that is not laying in bed. I know I’ll get through it, and I’m hoping it will go really well.
Therapy this time is really different. I was better prepared up front to say why I am there and what I like and don’t like. Being able to voice what my biggest challenges are as a person feels really good. It marks growth and I’m loving that. I think this time I’m better equipped to work on what is still stuck. Especially because I can tell in my daily life what is certainly not stuck anymore.
I had zero physical reaction to talking about some things in our introductory 2 weeks. I was thankful for that, if a bit surprised. Zero shaking, zero temperature change, zero inappropriate laughter! A miracle. Hahaha, not really, just a fabulous confirmation of how far I have come.
The Girl in the Corner. She’s still suffering some. Not just from my past with the abuse, but also from my marriage and divorce. I am sick of thinking of past abuse from high school and I am sick of thinking about that guy who walked out on me. He’s so not worth the head space. So I was absolutely thrilled that when I did discuss that, I had none of the physical reactions I use to have and I was able to put the blame for what he did squarely where it belongs…on him.
What bothers me now is that the abandonment seems to have transferred to my ex and in talking about him and how checked out he is from me and our child, the physical symptoms were all there. One of the hardest parts of that is just the shock. I didn’t expect it. Not at all. We were very amicably separated and even amicably divorced for quite a while. We remained as a parenting team well into my new relationship. I could still confide in him about parenting issues and get his input on stuff and that is just gone. And I don’t get it. Our state forces a parenting class on people getting divorced. It’s good. They make it quite clear that “divorce ends a marriage, not a family.” But not for us. He’s just done.
And that makes me angry. Bitter, as I said recently.
Why in the hell does he not recognize what his absence is doing to our child?
The anger makes me want to forget all the good years we had, but I won’t. I will continue to tell my kids the good memories and the fun we had as a family. If he wants to live like none of that ever happened, like we never should have been together, well that’s his right. But it’s a disgusting disservice to our children. And I guess it means it shouldn’t be any surprise to me then how they feel.
I am really nervous about how therapy will go and how the EMDR can help me work through all that, but I know if I trust the process, it’ll happen. And I’m so happy to be pushing myself into this round of hard work because I am ready to put my ex in the same area that the other stuff went as I worked through it all. I’m looking forward to not being so angry about him because he doesn’t even deserve the angry energy I’m giving him.
He won’t ever get it. He doesn’t even want to try and understand.
And my kids will still be ok. I have had some of the greatest conversations with my kids in the last few years. Ones where we can be completely honest and sad or angry and still end up being so glad to have a hug and say I love you. Conversations where we really hear each other, everyone’s opinions and feelings are respected, and we grow together to have a stronger bond.
EMDR is so different between therapists. And even though I’m really nervous, I’m excited to see how this therapist will work with me through the process.