Music is always perfect, at least for me. There is nothing I can’t get over, get through, or get back by listening to music. Loud music. Singing loudly. I love it!!
Today, after a week that was pretty tough from a lot of different angles, it is loud music, working out, and organizing my place for an upcoming move.
Today is a special message for someone from way back in my past that I like to tell off with music any chance I get. Maybe you think I should just get over it and move on, like what’s the point of thinking about someone who was manipulative, dishonest, and hurtful. Well, I’ll tell you why I don’t want to just forget that person forever: it serves a purpose. It will keep me from doing what I did in 2012 by letting that person get back in my head and allowing him to manipulate and hurt me all over again. That will NEVER happen again. And that feels really good.
I learned about age regression in therapy right after allowing myself to be hurt all over again by this person and that was a big deal for me. You see, when this person contacted me after MANY years of no contact, I couldn’t figure out why my logical side was like “go away, this communication is toxic and not going to happen,” but I kept allowing the contact, enjoying the reconnection and moving through all the conversations as if I didn’t know how very toxic it really was going to be for me. My brain, my thought processes, they were 20 again. I didn’t think about it as current me, I thought about it as the girl who way back then would have done anything to just get the truth so that I could have been enough for that person to trust me with who he really was inside. He never did trust me to accept him. He didn’t believe I would because he didn’t believe anyone could accept him. And now I know, fully, that when I was 20 I had a choice to make. Me or him. I chose ME!
Anyway, none of that matters now that I know that the current me wasn’t making most of those decisions to talk to him. Now let me be clear: I KNOW that many people will read that and think it is just a way to justify stupid decisions with a therapeutic concept like age regression. You have the full right to believe that. But I know what I experienced and I know myself now well enough to know that without age regression involved, I would NEVER have allowed that contact to happen. I would have said what I needed to say and then shut off communication completely. So it’s ok if you don’t believe it, I don’t need you to understand or believe me.
I believe in me. Even after this very difficult week.
So today, I’ll blast the music and feel good about me. I’ll understand that I can sing these things very loudly and not really care that I can’t go back to 2012 and say the RIGHT things that I needed to say. He likely wouldn’t get it anyway and I DON’T NEED HIM TO-wow that is awesome. I don’t need him to forgive me for things I did or said because I have forgiven myself. I know that choosing me was the best thing I ever did at that time in my life. And right now, I’m choosing myself again and that is feeling really, really good. I am beginning to understand myself in ways I haven’t since I was about 18 years old.
Now, I’m going to get back to the music and put on my playlist that is about powerfully believing in myself. Let’s sing!