Not much makes me feel more awesome than a good workout. I love a variety of workouts, but these days I spend most of my time in Body Combat, Butts & Guts, and working with a personal trainer. I also love me some Turbo Fire and Taebo.
Having some sleeping issues lately. I’ve got worries. Not a ton of worries like I used to, but stuff keeping my mind too busy to relax. The more I workout, the more I’m too tired to stay up all night. So that’s a benefit, in addition to the fact that I feel healthier, I’m losing some inches and fat, and gaining some strength and muscle.
What I thought today while working out is…it’s the same as my healing. It’s just me and my mind and my body that have to get through it. My trainer doesn’t ultimately care if I meet my goals. Meeting those goals is on me. Just like healing. I still go to therapy and I completed some groups and those things are terrific. I have awesomely supportive people in my life. But none of that is any good if I don’t work on my mind and my body to push through the memories and the muscle tension and the moments when I completely shut down.
I made the decision a few years ago that sexual assault would no longer rule my mind and my body and that I would make big changes that honored who I am. I’m so proud of the big changes I’ve made and the new patterns I’ve created for myself. But I get lazy. Just like sometimes I don’t wanna workout, so I make excuses. I guess the main thing is that I always come back to the hard work. I keep plugging along, workin it out.
I can do it. But it is hard sometimes, you know? Really hard.
I took a big risk this year by asking to be 1 of 5 survivors picked to talk publicly about our healing journeys at an event in April 2018. And I got picked! I’m so excited!! But also terrified. I need it. Somehow when I attended the event this year I just knew that I needed to do it. I have been a spectator at the event the last three years. It is powerful and awesome. And I decided while sitting there this year that it’s exactly what I need to push through the last step in my healing journey. Sure, I’ll always have some work to do to stay on track, just like going to the gym. But this goal will keep me from being lazy.
I gotta keep workin it out. To be me. At the gym and for this event and for the rest of my healing life.