You know what’s no fun? Triggers.
I don’t know when they will happen. I don’t understand what sets them off.
I can’t sleep tonight. I have a lot of anxiety. I don’t know what set me off, but I keep feeling like I can’t breathe. And my legs just feel active. I have been listening to the rain for awhile and I started thinking about why storms used to bother me. I was terrified of them. But then one day after I adopted my first beagle I just got over it because I felt so badly for him as he would sit and shake from a storm. Maybe comforting him comforted me. I don’t know. But once I got him, storms never bothered me again.
I don’t know where that fear came from and one day recently I even found myself looking up the weather from the day of my college rape. I had to walk home from that by myself and it was a bit of a walk. I remember feeling cold, so I started to wonder if it was raining. It was 1993. But I was able to look up the weather from that day online…no rain.
In any case, maybe it isn’t the rain triggering me, but I feel uneasy and it’s no fun.
I don’t like elevators. I used to wonder why the heck I was so nervous in elevators. And then I had my first EMDR sessions. And elevators came up because I had to share an elevator with the guys who assaulted me the day of the pretrial. Is that ridiculous or what??? What kind of crappy victim witness plan, or lack thereof, was that? I can see the moment clearly. Thinking about it doesn’t bother me now, but elevators still do sometimes. I think it’s the kind of elevator. The heaviness of the door. The way it sounds when it closes. Gosh, I never thought about it in such detail before now.
The month of March triggers me. That’s not shocking since it is the month of the college rape, but you’d think that just once March could roll by and I wouldn’t feel like a mess most of the time. Oh well, that’s a work in progress I guess. I take care of myself the best that I can and I make sure to protect myself. I make plans that will keep me from just sitting in the negativity of the day. If I sit around, I start to think about what I was doing each minute of that day and it drives me nearly insane.
Elevators, rain, March. Strange.
What are your triggers?